Setting Hearts Aflame With Love
Recently, my good friend Patrick Chan made an irresistible offer to godly, available single Christian females by posting a comment in a recent post at Phil Johnson’s famed Pyromaniacs blog. (Btw, Phil is the editor for some of John MacArthur’s books.) Of course, not wishing to deprive any godly, single Christian sisters around the world from the opportunity of meeting a godly, rare, theologically Reformed, exotic (look at his silhouette pic) Asian guy like Patrick, I feel compelled to link to his comment. :) This is an opportunity of a lifetime. :) As Patrick’s friend and sister in Christ, I can attest to his character, and give my blessings and hearty approval, ha ha. :D Also, please be sure to visit his excellent blog which he shares with his friend Charlie (they both write much better entries than I do).
(Note: Patrick, you can thank me later… and oh, be sure to check your emails more often and increase your transfer bandwidth as your blog’s traffic would skyrocket after the posting of this entry. 
)
Anyway, without further ado, here are Patrick’s ten reasons why godly, available single Christian women ought to consider him:
Speaking of freedom re: whom to marry, might I please take this moment to freely offer myself to available single Christian females?
I don’t want to waste your time, so let’s get right to it. Here are 10 reasons why you should take me up on my offer:
1. I am Christian. I suppose this isn’t so much a “good reason” as it is a basic commonality one would expect to share in a Christian marriage. But sorry, I gotta put it here ‘cos otherwise this is gonna be one short list.
2. Judging by the photo on my Blogger profile, I am mysterious. Which, from a judicious perusal of the back covers of cheesy romance novels at a local Borders bookstore, ladies appear to find attractive. Well, maybe “attractive” isn’t quite the right word in my case… Be that as it may, one should always expect life should measure up to Danielle Steel.
3. I would also add I’m tall, dark, and handsome, but I think only the “dark” appellation would apply. Still, one out of three ain’t bad. In fact, in baseball, that’s a .333 average!
4. Also, I can do basic math. This probably doesn’t seem like it’d be a compelling reason. Okay, fine, I agree. See, I’m also agreeable!
5. By the way, I’m really poor at sports. I’m no athlete. I’m quite weak. Even now, I can barely throw a pitch over home plate. True, in a regular-sized baseball diamond, this is pretty hard for your average Joe. But I’m talking about Little League.
Oh, wait, how is this a good thing, you ask? I’m glad you asked! Because I’m so poor at sports, I probably won’t watch that much stuff on TV. Therefore, I’ll have more time to spend with you.
On the other hand, you may not want to be seen in public with an unathletic, weak man. Hm, I’m really not helping my case, am I?
6. Due to a childhood injury, I can’t smell all that well. Which would be both a pro as well as a con. Pro: feel free to avoid breath mints ‘cos I can’t tell anyway. Con: what if I do the same?
7. I have injuries. Sure, it may seem like I’m damaged goods. But let’s think of this in a more positive light. Perhaps I have scars because of all the horrific ordeals I’ve been through in life? Perhaps in my former life, I was a brigand and a rogue? Or a gangsta thug on the run? Or perhaps I was a really stupid, rebellious child who was jumping on a water bed when he shouldn’t have been, and thus the injury was my own fault. But why fuss over the details?
8. I’m offering myself up on a weblog. Not only on a weblog, but in the combox of a post of a weblog. You may immediately think, “Desperate”! But let’s not jump to conclusions. To look at it another way, if we snip off the last two letters of the word “Desperate” and replace it with a “d” and an “o,” we have: “Desperado.”
9. As you can probably tell from my last name, I am Asian. Which makes me exotic. And as we all know, exotic Asians are few and far between in this world. That’s what makes us exotic. Does this sound circular? Well, we are an enigmatic people. We hail from “the Far East.” Or “the Orient,” if you will. Land with lots of mist, myth, and other strange and puzzling items such as the Chinese finger trap and poorly dubbed kung fu movies. Again, that’s what makes us exotic. And, again, there are so few of us. For example, there are only about 1.5 billion of us in China.
10. Finally, let me offer up this last reason why you should consider me: because if you don’t, I will make another list which will be ten times worse than this one! Is this a threat? Oh, no, not at all! It’s simply a kind invitation for you to consider. Please? (Or I’ll really do it!)
And of course, thank you, Pyros, for starting the fire and setting my heart aflame with love.
On a serious note, though, this was a good post. Thanks, Dan, for posting it. And for putting up with the likes of me.
[Just a disclaimer, please note this entry was intended to be taken tongue-in-cheek. 
]
January 11th, 2007 at 4:32 pm | Permalink
Hey Jessica…
However it may have been intended, I hope Patrick takes this as encouragement, and contacts you… ha ha ha. I can see it… Jessica Chan… has a nice ring to it, I think.
January 11th, 2007 at 4:40 pm | Permalink
Hey Jessica….
“Irresistible” offer eh??? Then why tell the other ladies??? lol I just think you know that most of your blog surfers are men. ha ha ha ha
January 11th, 2007 at 11:10 pm | Permalink
Jessica: Wow, I’m humbled to have an entire post devoted to what amounts to my crazed and immature antics — and on as fine a weblog as Jessica’s no less! Thanks, Jessica.
Matchmaker: Sadly, there’s already a long (and distinguished) line of godly Christian gentlemen-suitors queuing up on Jessica’s doorstep in the hopes of having but a word or two with her. As it is, I stand a far better chance marrying into the English royal family than I do winning Princess Jessica’s affections. Not to mention I’m totally weird.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:22 pm | Permalink
She just plays hard to get Patrick… go for it, and keep going for it. Harass her with unsolicited phone calls, red roses, and exotic Asian chocolates… be bold and candid with your purposes, and don’t believe her when she says no….she’ll cave, and you’ll prevail.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:43 pm | Permalink
If this were a movie, we would end up with Patrick and Jessica’s wedding.
Of course, if this were the kind of movie I usually watched before I quit frequenting arthouse pictures… nevermind. Nobody wants to go there.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:58 pm | Permalink
Dear beloved blog surfers: I had installed three anti-spam software/plugins into this blog last week but apparently, in light of Matchmaker’s comments above, they didn’t appear to successfully filter out all of the spams, ha ha ha
On a more serious note, though, “Matchmaker” aka Charles is a friend and not a real cupid. If you click on his name, you’ll see he owns an online Home Health Resource store (selling great health products & medicinal herbs). In light of his comments above, though, I think he recently confessed he’s been consuming an overdose amount of herbs, ha ha ha ha.
January 12th, 2007 at 1:16 pm | Permalink
Oooh, another “Charles”! (Hi, Charlie
) But this time it’s Charlie Sebold (not Charles the “Matchmaker”). The funny thing is, not only do you both share the same first name, but (if I interpreted correctly) you both also don’t frequent arthouse pictures anymore. 
January 12th, 2007 at 3:54 pm | Permalink
By the way, Patrick was just being too kind & humble in his comments above. His inbox is currently flooded up with letters from those who plunged for his contact info (esp. after the blog entry).
January 13th, 2007 at 12:14 am | Permalink
Although it’s true I’ve received hundreds if thousands of emails in my inbox since Jessica’s post, I’m sorry to report they’re all from Jessica’s suitors either (a) asking me why she deigned to devote a post on her weblog about me or (b) challenging me to a duel.
The first is like asking a peasant why the princess decided to throw a few copper pennies his direction. The peasant hasn’t a clue.
And, I won’t get into it, but if you think about it a little the second is even more absurd than the first.
January 13th, 2007 at 10:12 am | Permalink
[...] Update (1-12-06): And Jessica kindly lends a helping hand! [...]
January 13th, 2007 at 9:52 pm | Permalink
lol… Wow! I don’t feel so desperate any more. Very nice post. Perhaps one day I should meet this Patrick fellow. Kudos to him!
January 14th, 2007 at 12:09 am | Permalink
Patrick, it’s easy. You must remember this one pearl of wisdom: It’s all in how one carries himself. One can’t be on the sidelines and be like the Waterboy. No, he’s got to be the Quarterback out playin’ the field…a lil’ Reformed Cassanova, if you know what I mean. Consider these jewels:
1. You must exude confidence in your demeanor, and your words ought to be delivered with a force about them.
(one liners)
2. You must be able to churn out the one-liners at the drop of a hat…and in the case of rejection…oh, nevermind. That WON’T happen if you follow my advice herein.
(one liners)
3. Never appear “too” interested in any one particular lady…at least, not for now. That whole courtship thing can wait. I mean, we’re Calvinists, right? If it’s God’s will, it’s gonna happen, right? We’re just robots anyway, so none of it matters. Even if you’re really fallin’ for the gal, hey man, make it look like you’re “keeping your options open”…know what I mean?
(one liners)
This instills an insecurity deeply within the women that will always have them coming back for more. They’re thinkin’ “Oh, no. What must I do to prove my affection for him?!” And bodda bing, bodda boom, she’s showering you with all sorts of affection (godly affection, that is…holy kisses, etc.)
(one liners)
You may say, “But, Josh, this is quite an underhanded way of treatment for someone whom you may someday marry.” Nahh…think about it, Patrick, we’re all born filthy sinners. Who can trust these ladies? Former children of wrath? Come on!
(one liners)
4.Did I mention “one liners”? These are invaluable! That means “pricless” for those of you in Rio Linda. No, you need to invest in some one-liner audio tapes, and get them drilled into your mind. You know the type…”Hey, are you tired? Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day long.” Chicks dig that stuff….ESPECIALLY Reformed Chicks.
DISCLAIMER:
January 15th, 2007 at 8:26 am | Permalink
I happen to know for a fact, not all of Jessica’s readers are male
January 20th, 2007 at 4:47 pm | Permalink
[...] Amanda: I happen to know for a fact, not all of Jessica’s readers are… [...]